August 19, 2025

Civilizing Children: The Essential Work of Parenting

Why Likability and Self-Control Matter

Parents have a duty and an obligation to ensure their children are likable and pleasant to be around. They need to be able to play games, behave in restaurants, not throw tantrums in the grocery aisle, and not be obnoxious to other adults and children. If you are too overprotective, then you will undermine their growth into responsible, well-adjusted adults. Your fundamental job as a parent is to civilize your children. It is easiest to do this before they leave home to begin their journey through the secular education system (or if you homeschool, before they depart to make their way in the world).

Resisting Overprotection and Encouraging Independence

A good practice is to never do anything for a child that they can do for themselves. As soon as they are able, stop dressing them and let them put their clothes on with minimal or no help. Let them clean their room, make their bed, and bathe as early as possible. Encourage them by letting them know they are growing up by mastering these tasks. I was encouraged to do the proper things because I saw that my older siblings earned special privileges by being responsible. I wanted the same thing.

Teaching That the World Does Not Revolve Around Them

Children need to know that the world does not revolve around them. Self-relevance is the only thing a child knows when they are born. This self-relevance, or how things are relevant and important to me, is fundamental to ego-centrism. It is fundamental to how you prioritize things and your perception of the world. For nine months to a year, everything centers around the child’s wake time, sleep time, feeding times, poop times, and bath times. You surrender so much for them and this only begins to change when they learn to walk. So, for a time, we let the world revolve around the infant/toddler for the most part because that is what is best and needed. However, if this pattern continues, look out; you will raise a monster.

Love, Boundaries, and Learning One’s Place

The only thing that reverses this inward-looking preoccupation of oneself is love. The beginning of love is the recognition that the world does not revolve around you. There are boundaries on what you can demand from others, and children are always pushing to find those boundaries, i.e., what can they get away with before terrible consequences happen. An example of this is not allowing your children to interrupt you when you are talking to another adult. The child is not the center of the universe and they should learn this at an early age. When the adults are talking, know your place, and be quiet until they allow you to speak.

Drawing Children Out Through Responsibility

Sometimes, it is difficult to get your children to talk. For instance, while sitting at the supper table, we typically asked politely, “How was your day?” or “What did you do in school today? Did you learn anything?” The typical answer was, “No” or “Nothing.” At that point, I would say something to the effect, “Well, let’s get started on our chores when you’re finished eating.” The desire to put off doing chores overrode the reticence not to talk about the events of the day. At this point, we could unlearn or deprogram anything that did not share our biblical worldview. It did not take long for them to overcome their reticence.

Navigating Tension as Children Grow

As children grow older and become adolescents, terrible tension can develop between parent and child, child and siblings. If the tension is not resolved, it can generate pathologies within the family. When children go off to school, play team sports, or venture out into the world, parental influence begins to lessen because of outside forces. Other adults and other children start influencing your child’s social behavior. Do not be overly concerned about your children’s socialization if you homeschool your children. Today, homeschooling provides ample opportunities for socialization through sports, dance, music, church, Sunday School, and other activities outside of the home.

Raising Children You Enjoy Being Around

Another good approach is not to let your children do anything that makes you dislike them. The willful child says, “I am not eating that.” We did not cook special meals for our children. They ate the same food as all of the adults. My wife always insisted on one protein, one green vegetable, and one starchy food. There was always resistance, but encouraging them to take one bite, applauding them when they do, and telling them they will like it better when they get older never failed but once. I have an adult son who still dislikes carrots. As a parent, you can take more than your child can dish out if you remain resolved, no matter what their age is.

Honoring Individual Nature and God-Given Differences

Parents should focus on raising them in the way they should go — take your cues from your child, and be aware that their interests may not be the same as your interests. We are not raising mini versions of ourselves but fully autonomous beings with a will of their own. All children are born with an intrinsic nature, an important and basic characteristic. Anyone who has ever reared children knows each child is different, and sometimes the difference is minimal, and sometimes siblings are complete opposites of each other. Also, birth order influences personality and behavior.

Building Toughness and Resilience for a Harsh World

We want our children to be tough and resilient. The world is full of beauty and very harsh, terrible, and hurtful dangers. If your child doesn’t get hurt while playing, that child is not playing hard enough. Learning how to deal with pain from cuts and scrapes is important to growing up.

Author: Jon-Roy Sloan is the Chief Communications Officer for NationsUniversity and the author of Anastasia Smiles: Love Needs No Translation. Disclaimer statement: Please note that the opinions expressed herein are those of the author alone and are based on his personal understanding of scripture and how God works in our lives and do not necessarily reflect the views of NationsUniversity®.

Article 20, Family Policy Series – 302 Training of Children