March 17, 2026
Children: Rewards and Punishments
Successful child-rearing requires a delicate balance of rewards and punishments. This is more art than science and is always dependent on the situation. Our go-to Bible verse is Proverbs 22:6 (NLT), “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.” The King James Version may sound more familiar to you: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” That is what we do. That is our right as parents. Why is it a right? Because we were willing to take on the responsibility. Our goal is to raise God-loving children who will glorify him.
Discovering Talents
We must first learn what talents and preferences they have, and this learning starts as soon as they are born. We want to learn what excites them and what they are inclined to do. This requires getting to know your children intimately. So, go on adventures. Take them to different places. Don’t be limited by what you like or prefer.
Explore what they like and prefer. This might require visiting places you have never thought about or wanted to go. Anything from visiting museums to sporting events, plays, amusement parks, fishing, camping, hiking, music lessons, art lessons, swimming lessons, national and state parks, woods, rivers, lakes, ponds, or anything the child might express interest in. This adventure is one of the most rewarding things you will ever do.
Discipline
Rewards and punishments are our tools that we use to discipline our children. Rewards reinforce desirable behavior and punishment demonstrates where the boundaries are. Children are always pushing boundaries, even when they don’t even know that is what they are doing. They don’t know what the rules are but they do know what consistency is and like things to be regular.
Being consistent in administering rewards and punishments makes the task of discipling children easier in the long run. This is far-sighted, and don’t let short-sighted thinking ruin what you are building. This also means that it is vitally important always to follow through.
Being consistent by always following through creates effective boundaries, respect, and, most importantly, trust. Being fair and consistent helps you be the parent when you’re not around. Our youngest child told us, “I saw what happened to Bubba and Sissy, and I wanted to avoid that.” He was a wild child as soon as he started to walk. I was afraid he would be our most problematic child of the three. Boy, did I ever get that wrong.
The parents must discuss the method of rewards and punishments. That way, you don’t go too far in either direction. This will bring sanity to your parenting style. One of you may overindulge, and the other may want to drop the hammer on the child. This also brings another level of consistency so that the child knows they are in trouble with you when they have done something disagreeable. You can avoid the child trying to play one parent off against the other.
What To Do
I will begin with punishment first and then get to the good stuff. We don’t like, and we shouldn’t like, punishing our children. It is one of the most difficult parts of parenting because of the consequences, good and bad. We punish our children when their behavior is undesirable or they have been outright disobedient. Believe me, your children will be disobedient if not outright defiant. You should expect good behavior but not be surprised when they fail to meet expectations. Children will always misbehave. Do not expect anything less. God’s first two children misbehaved, so why are we surprised when our children misbehave?
Always be truthful about everything. It won’t take long for children to see right through you. And they will learn that you don’t mean what you say. If your child is being stubbornly disobedient or throwing a tantrum, you remove them from the environment. Time out is an excellent tool, even if it means you have to sit there with them. There is no recommended time, they get out of time out only when they have mastered their emotions and decide they want to have a good day.
Taking your children to a fast food restaurant is a place to practice proper behavior in public. There is less notoriety in these establishments when they act out. When they begin to act out you warn them about the consequences. One warning is enough. If they continue to act out quickly and decidedly remove them from the restaurant to the car seat.
Once they have mastered their emotions, you ask them if they are ready to return and to behave. Set the expectations and then happily return. After two or three of these events with each of my children, all we had to say was, “Do you want to go sit in the car?” I don’t think either of us was in the car with the child for more than five minutes. We also took turns doing this so the child could never play one against the other.
Let your children fail. It is not your fault that the child did not tell you about a homework assignment and now you have to stay up all night doing it for them. Let them be embarrassed, and do not bail them out. Likewise, let them get into fights in school. I cannot think of a fight with another boy, win or lose, that I didn’t become good friends with afterwards. If they are being bullied, get them some self-defense lessons; you want the bully to be afraid of them and not the principal.
What to Avoid
We can think of many stories, maybe your own, where children are physically, mentally, and psychologically abused. We want to avoid that at all costs. This is why discussing the method of rewards and punishments is so important. A rule of thumb for corporal punishment is don’t do something that will leave marks, and three swats are enough to get the point across; most times, only one is sufficient.
You also need to find out what punishment works. Banishing them to their room may be exactly what they want. Spanking may not have an effect, time out may not be working, and taking away toys might not even phase them. You have to find out what really gets to them. Taking away phone privileges worked best when my daughter was a teenager, especially when she got a cell phone. My middle child thought getting sent to his room was a reward, not a punishment, so I had to get creative, like making him go into the woods to pick up sticks until he had enough to fill a wheelbarrow.
We should not lose our temper. Children can be adept and finding which buttons to push. We are the adults in this situation, and we should be in firm control of our emotions. We should also be firm with them. I regret all of the times I lost my temper and yelled at my kids. My father was always firm and calm, my mother always yelled, and I followed her example before I learned to follow my father’s example. Things were better when I resolved to be more like him. Once you punish a child, do it then, and do not hold it against them later because you may be angry with them earlier.
Do not be a pushover. Letting your children run all over you will set them up for a hard reality check in the real world. Don’t manipulate them emotionally. Don’t be a helicopter parent. Let them explore even if it is a little dangerous. Horseback riding, bicycling, skateboarding and many other activities can result in falls and broken bones. Don’t be afraid of a trip to the urgent care facility.
Give them Guidance
Rewards and punishments are the tools that we use to discipline our children. Avoid giving your child infinite freedom and too many choices. Give them guidance instead. It is best to constrain their freedom in accordance with their talents and maturity—this is the heart of “direct your children on the right path.” You should be discovering the path they should take with them and using your experience and wisdom to guide them, and never to do it for them.
Never do things for your children that they should be doing for themselves. Let them get dressed on their own. Pick out two outfits and let them decide what to wear. You don’t want them to be over-dependent on you. We want to train our children to be dependable and responsible adults. You are preparing them to take on the world and glorify God in their lives.
Author: Jon-Roy Sloan is the Chief Communications Officer for NationsUniversity and the author of Anastasia Smiles: Love Needs No Translation. Disclaimer statement: Please note that the opinions expressed herein are those of the author alone and are based on his personal understanding of scripture and how God works in our lives and do not necessarily reflect the views of NationsUniversity®.
Article 21, Family Policy Series – 303 Rewards and Punishments